In an age of such an overabundance of information right at your fingertips, have you ever wondered how you might sift through it all, bypassing the frivolous and trivial to get to the items of greatest importance? Here at Inside-Out Minds, we are dedicated to helping our readers live full and meaningful lives by guiding them to what matters most. In an attempt to save you some time, and a lot of confusion and mental turmoil, we decided to conduct a study on the most important studies released in the past year. Our hopes are that you can have all the information you need, consolidated right here at one url. Whether you read it just once, or refer back to it over the course of your entire life, we hope this helps you in your quest for answers when facing life’s challenges.
For our study, we selected three individuals which we believe are a fair representation of the roughly 7.3 billion world population as a whole. We gave our subjects the same 10 studies to read, which we believe to be a fair representation of the 2.7 million studies conducted last year. We subsequently observed our subjects’ thought and behavior patterns for a full 12 minutes after each reading. Sometimes their behavior improved. Sometimes they seemed agitated. One of them asked for water in place of the orange juice we offered. One of them confessed to having slept in a tent the previous week on a campout. Though, at first glance, the results of our study are completely inconclusive, we feel confident in having narrowed the initial list of 10 studies down to what we deem in our professional opinion to be the top 8 most helpful studies from the past year (complete with stunning and informative gifs, that of course, enhance the academic credibility of our claims). So, here they are:
I know that you all have been really stressing out over the fact that your cat’s spa day has become routine and monotonous. You sense your feline’s disdain when you put on the same old playlist during their massage and tuna. You want to offer variety, and gratefully, researchers at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, have the solution. First of all, they have proven that cats don’t like human music. What? Cats are picky? Groundbreaking.
Gratefully, the researchers in this study took it upon themselves to fill the unforgivable void of cat-worthy music in the world. So the next time you dim those lights, set out that can of soft gourmet cat food, and go in for the kitty rub, use this song, designed specifically for cats. Your cat will thank you. Maybe. If they deign to acknowledge your presence, that is.
Look, we know that you spend all day in bed, eating bon-bons, and adding to your lengthy google doc titled “Pessimistic Thoughts About the World.” How else are you going to discover happiness? But it’s time for things to change. Researchers at the Mayo Clinic, which the referenced article referred to as “one of the most prestigious health organizations in the world with as many as 8,000 ongoing studies exploring every imaginable condition,” has actually found that happiness is a lifestyle much different than that. In fact, if you want to be happy, they have concluded that you have to think positively and serve others. Thank you, Mayo! If you hadn’t reached this “major milestone” after decades of research and a dozen clinical trials (now available to us in a handbook), we never would have suspected that trying to see the bright side of things can increase the brightness of our lives. Time to get up and go be a parent, or a friend, or a good citizen or something. *sigh* The things we do for happiness.
Best. News. Ever. No more showers, deodorant, body spray, soap, toothpaste...the list goes on and on! What we all previously thought was an embarrassing and potentially hurtful problem actually turns out to be advantageous. This new study alleges that people with sweaty armpits, smelly feet, or bad breath are likely to attract more compassion. Since reading this study, I have saved myself hours each week by ditching all personal hygiene habits. I have also stopped bathing my children, in an attempt to become a more patient and compassionate mother.
After two weeks of these habits—and my circle of friends, motherly compassion, and stash of surgical masks dwindling—I was tempted to side with Salon magazine’s mind-blowing suggestion that ongoing exposure to body odor might actually change pity into annoyance. But no. No. This study was performed by researchers. And in the experiment (with up to 42 college students) the subjects were more prone to give free movie tickets to peers with t-shirts drenched in alcohol and fart spray. So, let the BO reign on!!
Call up that marriage counselor, folks, and cancel your next appointment. Dedicate that large chunk of your budget that you were spending on therapy and instead, go out and buy a hunk of gouda. That’s right: grilled cheese is the solution to your marriage woes, both in the bedroom and out. Who knew that a cheesy, gooey, warm, grilled cheese sandwich was at the heart of your sex drive and….heart size? Well, thanks to the highly-trained and verifiably academic researchers at an online dating service, we know that if you like grilled cheese, you are just better—not only with sex and heart-size, but are more adventurous, charitable, and well-traveled. I honestly don’t know how I was able to function before I knew this. Before, I was judging people on character traits, on actual experiences I had with them, and on their values and principles. No more. Instead, I’m just gonna offer people grilled cheese the first time I meet them, and if they say no, sorry. No can do.
It all makes sense now. Is your three year old not reading yet? Did your second grader forget to brush her teeth yesterday? Now we know why. Toxoplasma gondii, the parasite that grows in the guts of cats, is making your child stupid. And this furry feline’s attempt at world domination does not stop there. Did your girlfriend cheat on her husband? Is your great uncle suffering from bouts of schizophrenia? Turns out that cat gut acid is causing ALL OF IT.
We realized this may be hard to believe, but the new research was conducted by scientists at universities and was published in the Journal Parasitology. That’s right: a journal. And it is further proven by the fact that rats infected by Toxoplasma occasionally lose their fear of cats, making it more likely that these rats will be killed and eaten. So, sorry cat lovers...but your gut parasite feline friends are gonna have to go!
We always hear about how divisive our world is; how extreme our politics are; how it’s all fighting and irreconcilable ideologies. Well, we’ve discovered why: it’s because of our smell. This sophisticated study required a whopping .000002% of the world's population to sniff strangers and rate their smell, leading to irrefutable evidence that people are initially and subconsciously attracted to the body odor of people with similar political beliefs.
Those Republicans—most likely emanating the odor of gun-powder, cow manure, sweat, and Nascar oil—can’t stand the smell of those Democrats—most likely emanating the odor of Whole Foods, pot brownies, Birkenstock leather and recyclable grocery bags. It’s no wonder politics is such a bitter arena! One whiff of the enemy and our hackles are up! Also, think of this: if you are experiencing irreconcilable differences with your spouse due to political ideologies, you must have had a cold during your courtship. Go sniff out a new partner.
Who would have guessed, right? Furthermore, you thought your own choices and genetic make-up were at the root of you and your children's state of health, didn't you? Not so! The Prevention Institute has concluded that diabetes is skyrocketing and children will soon have shorter life spans than their parents because parents are being fundamentally duped by misleading front-label advertisements on food.
"Families will be at the mercy of food companies," is the cry of this new study. Yes, the food company owners are all sitting in a dark conference room in their evil lair, drumming their fingers with malevolent Burns-esque glee, just plotting your demise.
You see, we are just victims without agency. No! Don't you dare turn that package around and check the list of ingredients and nutritional information. No! You can't just put it back on the shelf and walk away. You must buy it, consume it, and force it down your children—thus shortening the entire family's life span by who knows how many years—because it's clever and has healthy words on it. Stop it! Just stop trying to think. They will think for you. And they will destroy you.
Have you been losing sleep, wondering what the purpose of that seemingly useless structure at the bottom of your face is? Well, you can now rest easy, knowing that your chin may be more than a mere facial leftover. This new study, conducted by researchers and reported by the Smithsonian, suggests that your chin might have evolved for a multitude of reasons, ranging from heavy chewing to the manipulation of sex hormones when chins of appropriate size were viewed by males or females as advantageous.
When your cheekbones start to feel left out, however, you can offer them comfort in reminding them that despite the special attention chins received from a group of almost 40 subjects for over a decade in this life altering study, no definitive answers were offered.
And there’s more! BONUS study!
Because we really love you, dear readers, we’d be remiss if we didn’t give an honorable mention to a study that actually didn’t fall within the past year, but was published in 2003. We feel our all-in-one url would be lacking without including this last mind-blowing study.
We know that your level of productivity and motivation in life has been hampered due to your concern over the extra velocity of penguin poo. Actually, we suspect that most world turmoil and conflict originates from a lack of understanding in this one area. Yes, those cute, cuddly, waddling creatures—that produce rocket-launch poos—have been haunting your dreams, and the collective conscience of the world. But now, we can be set free from world chaos and personal confusion. Finally. FINALLY, someone took it upon themselves to look into the, to quote the study, “peristaltic events in the [penguin] gut (with non-Newtonian mechanisms of mucus participation,non-homogenous media inside the intestine, a certain amount of gut-wall elasticity, [and] speciﬁc reﬂux zones,” AND to take the time to create this stunning graphic:
Yes, because of this graphic and this all-important study, now you know that the penguin poo velocity is related to their need for cleanliness in preening. We can all be at peace. You’re welcome.
So there you have it, folks, the most life-changing, perspective-altering, profoundly impactful studies in the world, all gathered right here, just for you. In our constant obsession with every new thing and our wallowing in the news of social-media newsfeeds, it just gets so confusing. We are here to help you sort it all out. In fact, we have made a quick reference card for you here:
For your convenience, we decided not to copyright it, seeing as we want it to be freely accessible to all who desire to improve their lives—starting now, and forever more. Please, bookmark it, pin it, share it, print it off and put it on your fridge and bathroom mirror, study and memorize it over breakfast every morning. Let’s all put forth a little more effort in simplifying our lives and the lives of all around us.